(Note from Kevin: I am trying out some humor pieces. This one was inspired by a colleague who wrote a piece for an established technology-education journal, only to find out they wanted her to pay to be published. It got me thinking about all of the guest blogging that goes on, and what if the guests had to pay to blog.)
Dear Authorized Guest Blogger,
Thank you so much for agreeing to write for my blog while I am away on vacation. Right now, as you toil away at the ideas you’ve graciously pitched to me, I am probably sipping blender drinks on the porch overlooking the ocean, with a book in my lap. I wish you were here. Not. If you were here, that would mean that my blog didn’t have any writers and my site is all about the traffic flow. Cha-ching! Don’t worry. I am checking my Google Analytics each night to make sure that you are keeping up as my Authorized Guest Blogger. I’ll be in touch if things start dropping.
I read your last note to me and I understand your confusion. I needed your Paypal number because for every word that you write and publish at my blog while I am away, you have agreed to pay me $1. Don’t worry. There is a $100 maximum payment for each day that you are my Authorized Guest Blogger. That’s just one of the benefits of being my Authorized Guest Blogger. Unauthorized Guest Bloggers have no ceiling at all. I’ll remind you that this financial agreement was right there in the user agreement I sent you. You clicked “I’m All Set To Write,” didn’t you? You’re not one of those people who just clicks boxes everywhere and has no clue what they clicked, are you? I am hoping my Authorized Guest Blogger is more savvy than that. Maybe that’s something you could write about? Just an idea. Five weeks of guest blogging is a lot of writing, so you may find yourself one morning, wondering what to write.
I may have forgotten to mention that you can feel free to ignore the 10 flashing advertisements on the banners of the homepage when you are writing. While some people find them annoying, I happen to enjoy all of the dancing critters and explosions on my blog. Plus, it brings in some cold hard cash. If you don’t mind, I’d appreciate it if you could go down to the town library a few days a week and click on those advertisements. It’s better if you make your way from one computer to the next and then go through the clicking cycle each time. You are encouraged to ask your own friends to click on the ads, too. In fact, you should demand it of them. They’re your friends. They owe you one, right? It’s great entertainment for all ages, I assure you.
I should mention a thing or two about some “regulars” at the site. First of all, Hopscotch is a pain in the ass. All he does is complain, complain, complain about everything I have written. It will be a small victory if he ignores you during your time as Authorized Guest Blogger. I’ve tried many times to put him into the Spam filter yet he always finds a way to crawl out. I’m starting to think that Hopscotch is my brother-in-law but I can’t prove it. Simone likes to leave comments that have no relevance to the post. I think she just likes to see herself write. I ignore her and I suggest you do the same. Whatever you do, do not engage Rascal in a conversation. He’ll suck the fun right out of your life. If you feel the urge, bring him to your own blog and dance with him there. Wait. I take that back. I don’t even want you thinking about your blog while you are my Authorized Guest Blogger.
Finally, please be sure that you’re monitoring the blog at least twice every hour. It’s OK to set up an alarm clock for the night. Even better, bring out your sleeping bag and set up shop for the next month in front of your monitor. I am sure that five weeks will fly by. I know it will for me. I can already feel the sand in my toes. Being a blogger has many benefits, including the use of Authorized Guest Bloggers like you. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy, or afford, my tropical vacation without you.
Thank you and have fun!