Other Stuff: Silly Bandz I’d Like to See

(Note from Kevin: I am writing some humor columns this week. Just … because.)

Near the end of the school year, a student of mine dropped a Silly Bandz into my hand and said, “a gift for you, Mr. H.” I untangled the thing and it took the shape of a saxophone. Now I get it! This Silly Bandz was cool (unlike all those others). So, I started thinking, there must be some Silly Bandz brain trust somewhere that thinks up the shapes of these fading fads.

What if I were in charge? What Silly Bandz  would I invent?

• My dog making ME dinner. For a change. He’ll have this little doggy chef’s hat on and a spatula in one paw. Although you can’t see it, there will be a steak grilling in front of him. And he won’t take a bite, either. It’s all for me.
• The perfect snowflake. This will be a tricky mold to make for the folks in the back room, as every snowflake Silly Bandz will need to be different and unique. But I am sure they will figure it out. They’re engineers, right? That’s why they get the big bucks.
• A classroom scene in which the students are teaching the teacher. I can see their silhouettes hovering over the adult form of the teacher, who seems confused. The perfect gift for the colleague down the hallway who can’t seem to stop lecturing all day, every day, all year long. Of course, this kind of teacher is probably immune to the fad of Silly Bandz and was one of the first in your school to ban the things from their students. Chances are, you won’t reach this teacher with a Silly Banz, but you can try!
• My wife. So she can be with me all day. I just take her off my wrist, give her a little flip and there she is. Perfect. Of course, this is not a design for anyone else. Just me. I don’t want you looking at my wife, even if she is reduced to a piece of colored elastic.
• Bass Clef. Because the bass clef never gets respect. It’s always “treble clef this” and “treble clef that.” I realize this is a musician’s inside joke, so it could be one of those bracelets that sells for thousands of dollars on eBay someday in the future. You can’t go wrong with the bass clef, man.
• Lawn mower. Or maybe a vacuum cleaner. This is one you pawn off to the kids as a reminder that they have some chores to be done. Of course, your wife or husband or significant other might also slip it onto your wrist when you aren’t looking, so be careful what you wish for.
• A replica of the Internet. I have no idea how they would make this mold but it sure would be fun to watch them try. Them, meaning those engineers again. Which makes me wonder: how do you explain to your mom and dad that your engineering degree is going to good use … making Silly Bandz? I’d lie about what I was doing. I’d say I was working on the underground SuperCollider project or something, even as the wads of cash was falling out of my pockets. I think I just went off on some tangent here.
• Rotary phone. Just to confuse the kids. Make sure the circles for your fingers are really big, too. I mean, monstrous circles.
• A psychiatrist’s couch. For those moments when you find yourself talking to yourself. Bonus: no hourly fee or judgmental questions from the shrink. In fact, the shrink here is a verb, as in the couch has been shrunk to fit your wrist. If it helps to have a little psychiatrist on your wrist, too, we can probably do that for you. That would be found in our new “doctor’s pack” of Silly Bandz (which includes the rare Brain Surgeon bracelet to impress all of your friends).
• A brain cell. I don’t know about you, but I could always use a few extra during the day.

Oh, the possibilities are endless, although I imagine the fad is already sputtering if I am writing about it. Maybe instead of coming up with ideas that piggyback on the last thing, I need to imagine the next fad in waiting …

Peace (in the silliness),
Kevin