Tryin’ 2B Funny: What the Phone Hacks Found

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(From time to time,  I try to get my funny bone working and crank out a few posts that are intended to be funny. Hilarious, even. They don’t usually work as funny material to anyone but me but that doesn’t stop me from writing them. I’m sorry you have to read them. My condolences. — the editor)

You may have read that The News of the World was shut down after the phone hacking scandal. What you probably didn’t know is that in a closet in the newsroom, just near the snack machine, is a data base of my phone records. Like you, I am shocked. Mostly, I am shocked because the phone conversations of my family are pretty boring and I feel pity over the fool who had to go through them to find salacious details. Needless to say, we never made the front pages of the now-defunct newspaper.

Phone Hack: Teenage Child

Child: Hey.
Friend: Hey.
(long pause)
Child: What are you doing?
Friend: Nothing.
(long pause)
Child: Did you text me?
Friend: Yeah.
Child: What did it say?
Friend (audible sigh): Read it.
(long pause)
Child: OK.
(click)

Phone Hack: Father

Father: …. frigging’ thing … who makes these buttons so damned sm..
Mother: Hello?
Father: Oh, you there? It must have rung through.
Mother: Hi. Who is this?
Father: Me. Listen …
Mother: Hold on. I need to adjust the phone. I can’t hear you.
(sounds of phone shuffling)
Mother: OK. Try it now.
Father: You can hear me?
Mother: Yep.
Father: We need more milk. Can you get some on the way home?
Mother: Sure.
Father: Bye. Love you.
Mother: What? I seem to have lost y….

Phone Hack: Toddler

Toddler: ‘ello? ‘ello? ‘ello? MOMMMMMMY ….. ‘ello? ‘ello?
(phone left on until battery clearly dies four hours later)

Phone Hack: Stranger

Father: Hello?
Stranger: Is Rufus home?
Father: Who?
Stranger: Rufus.
Father: There’s no Rufus here. You’ve got the wrong number.
Stranger: What do you mean, no Rufus? He gave me this number. He owes me money. You sure there’s no Rufus?
Father: What? You think I would misplace a kid named Rufus? There’s no Rufus here. Sorry.
Stranger: You Rufus?
Father: What?
Stranger: Are you Rufus? That you, Rufus? You hiding your voice?
Father: Listen. For the last time, there’s no one by the name of Rufus here. Goodbye.
(click)

Phone Hack: Teenage child

Child: Hey.
Friend: Hey.
(long pause)
Child: What are you doing?
Friend: Nothing.
(long pause)
Child: Me, too

(annotated note: this same conversation gets repeated at least five times a day.)

Peace (in the hack),
Kevin

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