Tryin’ 2B Funny: Why Not Squirrel Week?

(Note: I am trying my hand at humor this week. Whether it works or not … I’m not sure, but I am having fun with it. )

I don’t know about you, but I don’t live too close to the ocean so all this hoopla over Shark Week goes right over my head. I don’t encounter enough sharks to make it worth my while to worry about them (famous last words?). But squirrels? We’ve got more squirrels than you can shake a nut at.

So here, then, are my Five Reasons Why Squirrel Week Should Replace Shark Week in the imagination of the public:

1. Squirrels attack in small hordes. Sharks are almost always alone. Which would you rather avoid have chasing you down the street: a pack of wild squirrels or a single flopping shark?
2. Squirrels know how to set traps. They dig all the time. No, it’s not nuts they are burying in the yard. Those are tiny explosives known as AEDs or Acorn Explosion Devices. Have you ever seen a shark detonate a bomb? I didn’t think so.
3. Squirrels can use their tails as a whip. Just watch them sometime (safely, from your house). Those bushy tails can reach up to 100 miles an hour. Sure, a shark has a tail. But it’s for swimming. It’s different.
4. Squirrels can sleep. Sharks can’t. So, the use of sleeping potions could potentially kill off any shark predators. But not squirrels. They would wake up, well rested, and ready for attack mode. You don’t want to mess around with a well-rested squirrel.
5. Squirrels can make their way into your house. Through chimneys (trust me on this one. It happened to me); through doors left open by unthinking children (but what do they do when the squirrel gets in the house? They scream. Why didn’t they think of that when they left the door open?); in backpacks; and through squirrel invisibility cloaks. A shark? You’d have to lug it into your house in the largest tub of water imaginable. It’s unlikely a shark is going to come into your house.

Peace (in the week),
Kevin